Guilt is a heavy burden, but most people I know that have had a close loved one die, whether it be a friend or relative, suffer with guilt. I know I do. I should have done this differently, that differently. I could have saved her if I'd only have changed one little thing, and the reality is that I could have. That knowledge has killed me these past (almost) 6 years. But this morning heaven whispered to me. It's not the first time, but I guess it's the first time I chose to listen. "If we were there for you and Andrew. If we got him out of the house. If we told you that Macy was gone and you needed to leave. If we were there and you know we were there, then how can you say it wasn't meant to be. Couldn't we have saved her too?" (*see extra info below) And the truth is yes, they could have, but it wasn't meant to be that way. It was her time to go. I don't know why. I don't like it. I'd give anything to change the outcome. I miss her so very, very much. But I can let go of the guilt now. I HAVE to let go of the guilt. It destroys who I am and who I am supposed to be. Satan wants me to believe that it's all my fault, that she's gone because of me and because God doesn't love me. He fills me with lies and I miss her so much that I believe them. But God wants me to believe that he is in control and that he loves me.
It's time to stop doubting and stop blaming myself and time to start believing in the promises of God. He loves me. He didn't "take her" to punish me or to hurt me. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
*Andrew says an angel led him out of the house. He somehow went out a locked door, right where the fire was. He can't remember that now, but that's what he told us when it happened.
I felt Macy's spirit float up in the dining room. I felt her with an angel. And I heard them tell me that she was gone and that I only had 30 seconds to live and that I needed to leave, that she was with them and there was nothing I could do now. And they showed me Andrew sitting outside alone, needing me. I didn't see all this with my human eyes, but with my spiritual eyes. So, I left and thought I was okay, but they were right. I barely survived. I had the worst case of smoke inhalation Arkansas Children's had ever treated and survived. Plus being burned over 22% of my body. If I hadn't listened to the angels, then I wouldn't be here at all.
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Coming soon~ Revamping my 40 Things list.
